Serving 8-10

Royals fans put up with a lot of shit. Really, you have to give them credit for going to Kauffman Stadium year after year, subjecting themselves to the pains of loving a horrible team. Unlike a lot of fan bases, Royals fans are very informed of their minor league affiliates, mostly because that's the only place they can find some optimism. They understand the realities of a small-market baseball team and why it is that their beloved team sucks.

However, they are now pass the point of frustration. Nobody wants to wait anymore. Can you blame them?

It's not just that the Royals haven't been to the postseason since they won the World Series in 1985, or that they've only had one winning season since 1994. It's not that the team isn't winning, it's that they are embarrassing themselves while losing.

From the front office, you have bad signings, failure to build up the minors and failure to keep the studs that you have (Damon, Dye, Beltran). On the field, the players routinely drop infield fly balls, seemingly have no idea how to run the bases or work the counts, and think OBP is a type of doctor. After twenty-plus years of enduring this type of pathetic ball play, it's no wonder why Royals fans are fed up.

And then you add this: GM Dayton Moore has publicly announced that it will take 8-10 years (from 2007, when he was hired) to build this team into any kind of contender. Well, the fans aren't liking that. Not. One. Bit.

I understand them, I really do. But the fact is that Moore is right. When you have an organization that is as depleted as the Royals were, it takes a lot of work to get them rolling again, especially when they're owned by David Glass, who extends slashing prices from one of his many Wal-Mart stores all the way to the Royals' payroll. You can't just cash out on veteran free agents for a one year run - two years at the MOST - and then be bankrupt for the next decade. You have to build from the ground up. And that takes time.

What makes it hard for Royals fans to swallow can be summed up in two words: Zack Greinke. Here you have a bona fide Ace, a top-5 pitcher and Cy Young winner, a guy you can build around. Unfortunately, the Royals aren't in any position to build a contender right now. Don't blame Dayton Moore, blame the prior administration.

Really, it's just bad luck. What this team needs is to freeze Greinke, à la Austin Powers, so we can thaw him out when he's really needed. There's no use for a Cy Young winner right now. As much as it pains me to say it, the Royals need to trade him. Get some young, can't miss talent, and just stockpile as much as you can. The plan is for everyone to come up at the same time. It's what Tampa Bay did, and right now they are the best team in baseball.

I know the fans deserve a winning team right now, but it is just not happening. We have to trust that Moore knows what he's doing. Yes, it's like being proposed to right after you got out of a relationship where you were beaten severely for twenty years. I never said it would be easy. There's still a few really tough years to endure. But if the Royals' fan base pressures this team into making stupid, win-now decisions, then they deserve all the losing that they are getting.

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Rick Reilly & The Mothers of Inventing Stories

The transition between spring and summer can provide a lull for some sports fans. Baseball is just getting under way. The Red Sox are under .500 and the Nationals are above .500; it's a little too early to know anything. The NBA isn't for everybody and the playoffs can get dragged out. Golf? Only if Tiger is in contention on Sunday.

It is in times like these where stories that would never see the light of day in October or March surface. Stories like whether or not Dez Bryant's mother was a whore.

Honestly, I don't really care about Dez Bryant. My team didn't draft him and I don't care to pick him up in fantasy football. But I do find it interesting/comical/sad that so many people are outraged that Jeff Ireland, GM of the Miami Dolphins, was curious to find out if the wide receiver's mom was a prostitute under his pimp of a dad.

The most shocked people say that his upbringing doesn't really matter. Leading this charge is ESPN's Rick Reilly, who hasn't put two seconds of thought in any article he has written since joining the World Wide Leader. Reilly seems to think that you shouldn't be wary of someone because of their upbringing, an asinine idea that The Big Lead's Tyler Duffy immediately strikes down.

It's almost hard to believe that someone has to come out and prove that kids raised by pimps, whores, drug dealers and criminals actually turn into - wait for it - pimps, whores, drug dealers and criminals. I know this country loves the underdog stories of growing up hard and blossoming out of it against all odds. But these are the exceptions, not the rule.

Now, just because you have a shady background doesn't mean you can't be successful. But if you are Jeff Ireland and thinking about spending millions of dollars on a prospect, wouldn't you want every bit of information you could find? Believe me, children of pimps and crack dealers are far less likely to be stable adults than kids of Duke graduates. It's a red flag, to be sure.

There are two lessons to be learned here. First is that Rick Reilly is about as relevant anymore as Royals playoff hopes. The second is that we need to accept reality. It's alright to say that Dez Bryant has a lot going against him due to his upbringing. Nothing against him personally, but that is a lot of baggage. Most middle-classers still bitch to their therapists about their parents getting divorced forty years after the fact. You can't act like it doesn't matter.

Add that to the fact that Bryant was thought of as a malcontent before this story even broke, and that in his best season he had only one touchdown on the road, then it paints not such a pretty picture. If he ends up being a great wide receiver, fine. But the big business of the NFL has every right to vet rookies.

The past matters. As the saying goes, "those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it". The NFL learned from the histories of Pacman Jones and others. The only question now is will Dez Bryant learn from his parents' history. Will we see.

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My Degeneration

Thousands of raving, stumbling drunks, getting angrier and angrier as they lose more and more money. By midafternoon they'll be guzzling mint juleps with both hands and vomitting on each other between races.

- Hunter S. Thompson, "The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved"

There are only four days per year where everyone acts like me. Being a drinker, gambler and someone who is attracted to the dark alleys of life, these days are New Year's Eve, St. Patrick's Day, Halloween and the Kentucky Derby.

The first two holidays are what I call "Amateur Nights". Every year on December 31st and March 17th, people all over America do what I do all the time: drink. Even if you are sober for nearly every day of the year, it's hard to resist a green beer or a glass of champagne. It's also impossible to get a beer at a bar during these days. I do not enjoy these holidays.

Other than sports, I have two passions; heavy metal music and horror movies. While I delve into dark territories almost every day, Halloween is the one time a year where it's okay to decorate your house in skulls and cover your children in blood. Also, women dress like prostitutes. I enjoy this holiday.

Then there is the Kentucky Derby. On one hand, it is the only time where rich white people can drink their asses off and gamble, which I do on a daily basis. However, seeing these people is a reminder of how embarrassing and wretched drunken gamblers are. It's pretty much the basis for Hunter S. Thompson's "The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved", which in my opinion is the single greatest sports article ever written.

So, if you want to know just how bad the Derby can be, read that article, because I couldn't do it justice. What interests me is why. Why is the Kentucky Derby a mainstream media event?

First of all, nobody cares about horse racing. If Super Saver, this year's winning Derby horse fails to win the Preakness (thus failing to win the Triple Crown), the level of interest in the sport for 2010 will fall to 0% for most of America. We simply do not care.

While horse racing falls into the category of apathy, three other defining aspects of the Derby are more repelling to middle America; excessive drinking, gambling and looking like an idiot. But for one day a year, these behaviors are not only accepted, they are celebrated. During the day-long coverage on Saturday, every picture from the race was of disgustingly drunk rich people walking around looking like this. And I don't know if you've ever been to a track before, but believe me, even a nun can't be present without making some kind of wager.

So why this day?

The answer is simple: the patrons are wealthy. There is no difference between the Derby and any other race except for two things. One, the Derby is the first leg of the Triple Crown, but as I've already discussed, people don't really care about horse racing. The second discrepancy is in other races, the drunkards are degenerate gamblers, while the Derby is home to the rich and powerful. When the top 1% are doing it, it's all gravy.

And that's why I probably lean towards loathing the Kentucky Derby. I take it personally when people condemn the acts I partake in, only to celebrate the same behavior when the rich decide to do it. I know the argument here is that it's just one day where squares like to get loose and have a little bit of raunchy fun. A kind of fun release valve. Well, if drinking and gambling is so much fun to these people, then why are those known as drinkers and gamblers shunned?

Look at poker, for example. It was a backroom game for most of its existence, reserved for cowboys and the scum of the Earth. Then money got involved. Big money. And television. Now your grandma hosts a weekly Texas Hold 'Em game.

The fact of the matter is, what is right and what is wrong has nothing to do with truth and more to do with what you're told. These people decided that Derby Day is an acceptable time to engage in lewd behavior. So shall it be written, so shall it be done. I say that every day is an acceptable day. Only difference is, I am not rich nor powerful. Nobody wants to imitate me. My life is not a blueprint for high success.

What they won't tell you though, and what you won't see on television, is that the behavior seen last Saturday is not a one day per year event for these people. They are drunks and they are gamblers. I drink whiskey, they drink martinis. I gamble on sports, they gamble on the stock market. They only thing that really separates us? I don't wear stupid fucking hats.

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