My Degeneration

Thousands of raving, stumbling drunks, getting angrier and angrier as they lose more and more money. By midafternoon they'll be guzzling mint juleps with both hands and vomitting on each other between races.

- Hunter S. Thompson, "The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved"

There are only four days per year where everyone acts like me. Being a drinker, gambler and someone who is attracted to the dark alleys of life, these days are New Year's Eve, St. Patrick's Day, Halloween and the Kentucky Derby.

The first two holidays are what I call "Amateur Nights". Every year on December 31st and March 17th, people all over America do what I do all the time: drink. Even if you are sober for nearly every day of the year, it's hard to resist a green beer or a glass of champagne. It's also impossible to get a beer at a bar during these days. I do not enjoy these holidays.

Other than sports, I have two passions; heavy metal music and horror movies. While I delve into dark territories almost every day, Halloween is the one time a year where it's okay to decorate your house in skulls and cover your children in blood. Also, women dress like prostitutes. I enjoy this holiday.

Then there is the Kentucky Derby. On one hand, it is the only time where rich white people can drink their asses off and gamble, which I do on a daily basis. However, seeing these people is a reminder of how embarrassing and wretched drunken gamblers are. It's pretty much the basis for Hunter S. Thompson's "The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved", which in my opinion is the single greatest sports article ever written.

So, if you want to know just how bad the Derby can be, read that article, because I couldn't do it justice. What interests me is why. Why is the Kentucky Derby a mainstream media event?

First of all, nobody cares about horse racing. If Super Saver, this year's winning Derby horse fails to win the Preakness (thus failing to win the Triple Crown), the level of interest in the sport for 2010 will fall to 0% for most of America. We simply do not care.

While horse racing falls into the category of apathy, three other defining aspects of the Derby are more repelling to middle America; excessive drinking, gambling and looking like an idiot. But for one day a year, these behaviors are not only accepted, they are celebrated. During the day-long coverage on Saturday, every picture from the race was of disgustingly drunk rich people walking around looking like this. And I don't know if you've ever been to a track before, but believe me, even a nun can't be present without making some kind of wager.

So why this day?

The answer is simple: the patrons are wealthy. There is no difference between the Derby and any other race except for two things. One, the Derby is the first leg of the Triple Crown, but as I've already discussed, people don't really care about horse racing. The second discrepancy is in other races, the drunkards are degenerate gamblers, while the Derby is home to the rich and powerful. When the top 1% are doing it, it's all gravy.

And that's why I probably lean towards loathing the Kentucky Derby. I take it personally when people condemn the acts I partake in, only to celebrate the same behavior when the rich decide to do it. I know the argument here is that it's just one day where squares like to get loose and have a little bit of raunchy fun. A kind of fun release valve. Well, if drinking and gambling is so much fun to these people, then why are those known as drinkers and gamblers shunned?

Look at poker, for example. It was a backroom game for most of its existence, reserved for cowboys and the scum of the Earth. Then money got involved. Big money. And television. Now your grandma hosts a weekly Texas Hold 'Em game.

The fact of the matter is, what is right and what is wrong has nothing to do with truth and more to do with what you're told. These people decided that Derby Day is an acceptable time to engage in lewd behavior. So shall it be written, so shall it be done. I say that every day is an acceptable day. Only difference is, I am not rich nor powerful. Nobody wants to imitate me. My life is not a blueprint for high success.

What they won't tell you though, and what you won't see on television, is that the behavior seen last Saturday is not a one day per year event for these people. They are drunks and they are gamblers. I drink whiskey, they drink martinis. I gamble on sports, they gamble on the stock market. They only thing that really separates us? I don't wear stupid fucking hats.