Real Soccer

I am not a soccer guy. Sure, I get into the World Cup like everyone else, but I never follow the sport outside that particular event. In other words, I am all-American. And what has strained Major League Soccer from its inception is how to make soccer popular to Americans. The answer?

Make it less American.

The Kansas City Wizards have announced that they are changing their name to Sporting Kansas City. Just about everyone I know thinks this is lame. Not surprising. Our sports teams follow a simple formula: State or City + Team Name (preferably plural). But it's not like the KC club is breaking ground here. We have Real Salt Lake, D.C. United, Toronto FC, Chivas USA, etc.

Still, the name change hasn't gone over very well. Even Dead Spin came out against it, stating "the trend of naming teams in European and Latin American styles has to stop." I say this trend is exactly what the MLS needs, and to not stop there.

The problem with the MLS is that they tried making soccer an American sport. It isn't, and it will never be. What they need to do is promote the sport as an influx of European and Latin American athletics. Embrace the foreign aspect of it. With the mass migration of Latin Americans into America, what better way to reach out to that growing demographic than to give them a piece of their home?

My proposal? Create two conferences, one of "European" teams and one of "Latin" teams. I don't mean by segregating players, but by segregating atmospheres. The Euro league would consist of teams with the names of "United" and "FC" attached, with the Latin league including "Real" and "Sporting" names.

And let's keep running with this. Euro stadiums would blare English and German fight songs, only serve Warsteiners and Heinekens, etc. Latin stadiums would do the same with their respective heritage. It would add a little fun to the game. Everyone can be a part of the global game for one afternoon. Audience participation is the key.

I mean, let's face it; the game ain't attracting a whole lot of people in this country. So why not make it a cultural event? Imagine an NFL game mixed with Disney World and a touch of Beer Fest, if you will. If successful, the fan bases could even get a little Euro vs Latin hate going on. Why wouldn't this work?

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The Art of Diversion

The end of Sunday's Chiefs/Broncos massacre left a lot of different angles for Kansas City sports media to dissect. The defense put the Chiefs in a hole that was nearly impossible to dig out of. Matt Cassel was horrible, yet was able to put up over 400 yards, and in essence, keep fan favorite Brodie Croyle off the field. The coaching staff got run over. There were endless possibilities for writers and radio hosts to tackle.

But then, at the very end, Todd Haley snuffed Josh McDaniels for all the world to see. And now all of the city has to hear about it.

There was finger-pointing, yelling and more than likely some harsh words. It was a perfect television snapshot. Drama, suspense. It's the kind of story the media loves to run with. The game all of a sudden didn't matter. This was Haley vs McDaniels. It will get higher ratings than Pacquiao vs Margarito.

Only, I've seen this before. I remember the 17th of September. 2006. The Belichick-Mangini shake that shook the world. But it never really shook anything. The Hoodie is still the mastermind of the Patriots. Mangini is now heading the impressive Cleveland Browns. The handshake that wasn't never meant a thing. It was as meaningless as a preseason game or a Boise State regular season game.

Make no mistake, the Kansas City and Denver media will latch onto this like their own little version of Brangelina. You will hear words like "classless" and "unsportsmanlike". Those who step on their soap box to proclaim Todd Haley is a jerk will also praise him if he wins the AFC West. This whole episode will be long forgotten, as was Belichick and Mangini's.

I, for one, don't care about handshakes or finger-pointing or any of that. I care about football. Unfortunately, a squabble between two coaches will take away from any insight sports media members, with all their access and contacts, could possibly give us. It is a lazy way out. Much easier to discuss photographed bitchery than break down a game.

Sadly, this will divert eager Chiefs fans from the analysis they desire. After all, analysis is a loser's game; every wrong prediction will be remembered, every right call blown off. This is a way for media to consume a topic that is purely sensational.

Shame on anyone who tries to make this a story. I want sports, not a soap opera.

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Antiweis Superstar: How Todd Haley is becoming the new Marilyn Manson

Note: this article is lengthy and requires the reader to learn a little bit about a non-sports subject to get the overall point. If you'd like to skip straight to the sports stuff, just scroll down past the dotted lines and you'll see it. But I highly suggest you read the entire thing.

I have been a Chiefs fan since the day I was born. Every year, I follow the team like a hawk, spending so much time dissecting every little aspect of the game that I question my sanity. But this year is different. The Todd Haley Era is confusing me. It wasn't until I pulled myself away from football and delved into some of my other interests that I encountered a possible explanation.

That other interest was Marilyn Manson.

I am a huge Manson fan. Put aside for a second what you think you know about the man or the band. I'm sure images of Satanism and kids in makeup come to mind, but understand that Marilyn Manson - or Brian Warner, as his mother named him - is what I consider a musical genius.

The Reflecting God

His finest album, Antichrist Superstar, is a misunderstood masterpiece. I have always felt that ACS was a concept album chronicling the life of a weak, timid person who becomes a famous rock star who believes in too much of his power. This also happens to be the exact same concept of Pink Floyd's The Wall. That, by itself, is probably more thought than most people put into Manson's records. But then I came across an article that took it further.*

*For in-depth look into Antichrist Superstar, read this essay by Paula O'Keefe.

On Manson's official message board, someone had posted an essay by Jeff Cohn, which is a kind of conspiracy theory behind the singer's motives.

In short, (but I'd ask you to read the whole thing), Cohn suggests that the band Marilyn Manson has been, well, made up. The claim is, that from its inception, that every album, song and lyric Manson has written has been just a clue pointing to some greater point.

Marilyn has woven a complicated web of clues to catch him...we must all be forensic psychologist’s now. This is our “Seven” our “Silence of the Lambs” (One of Marilyn’s all time fav. movies) . We as fans must all continue to question everything and think deeper than the obvious surface level.

At first glance, this seems nearly impossible. It reminds me of claims that Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon was written to coincide with The Wizard Of Oz.* To achieve something so great - in this case, starting a band and writing songs to become one puzzle piece at a time that would take the highest amount of fame to work - just sounds crazy to imagine. But perhaps many artists have tried this very thing, but only Manson has been able to reach the highest point of popularity necessary to make it work. Maybe, instead being the only one to try this and it working at first strike, he is just one out of a thousand, and was the only one to be successful.

*Don't think I haven't noticed the parallels between Manson and Floyd. The same themes seem to occur in both bands, which may point to Cohn being closer to the truth than one might be comfortable with.

Mister Superstar

The idea that an art form, or an entire life, might be one that was preconceived and then actually achieved isn't an idea that a person can just accept. This makes the listener accept two things. One, that somebody can actually morph the perceptions of others to what that artist wants you to think is real, and two, that you are one of those people.

This takes a level of belief in one's self and belief that others will allow you to go on long enough to make the dream happen that is unrealistic to most. When it comes to Manson, he needed to make non-music that posed as actual rock and roll to start his puzzle, if Cohn's theory is correct. But that also had to be good enough to get him to where he needed to be, which is rock stardom. It's extremely hard to make good music, but to make good music that actually isn't music at all? Manson would have to be in the top 1% of musical minds to achieve this.

Then he would need to catch all the breaks (grab an AR man's attention, get airplay, etc.), or else this is just crap music that nobody ever hears. Again, it is entirely possible that Manson is just one out of many who has tried this, but only he has achieved it. But the master planning involved is mind-blowing. It takes a great leap of faith to acknowledge.

But it is fun to imagine that somebody out there had what it takes to create this. It's what has always drawn me to Marilyn Manson's music. So what does this have to do with sports, and specifically, the Chiefs? Please allow me to explain.

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The Beautiful People

All was going right in Kansas City. The Chiefs were winning. The running game was on fire, the defense was playing well, special teams was flourishing. In the back of everybody's mind was the thought, "Why isn't Jamaal Charles getting the ball?" But we suppressed that thought. After all, you don't change a winning formula.

Even with losses to the Colts and Texans, and a near disaster to the Bills, the 5-2 Chiefs couldn't be questioned. This was a team that was expected to do nothing and be nothing, and yet here they were, controlling their division and their own destiny.

But then Sunday happened. The Raiders happened. A 15 penalty, 3 turnover debacle that most NFL teams would've put away at halftime. The Chiefs, however couldn't put it away. They gave the ball to their average-at-best quarterback rather than their 5.3 yards-per-carry superstar. It didn't make any sense.

So the question is: why? Why try to feature your limited quarterback and not the one guy who has proved to be the best player on the team?

Perhaps Todd Haley is putting together the pieces of a puzzle that we don't quite yet understand.

Man That You Fear

The theory, as far as I know, was first proposed by sports radio host Nick Wright here in Kansas City; that Haley and offensive coordinator Charlie Weis are consciously trying to convince people that quarterback Matt Cassel is better than everybody thinks he his. The idea is that Haley and Weis are purposely "highlighting" Cassel during regular season games. This basically means that the coaching staff is going away from the best game plan possible. The reasons for this can be only one of two things:

1. Haley and Weis are so stubborn, that they rather die with swordplay rather than bust out their guns.

2. They are giving Cassel meaningful reps to help build his talent and confidence, even if that means losing meaningful games.

Now think: there are only 32 human beings on the entire planet who are NFL head coaches. Would one of them risk losing his job just out of pure pride and stubbornness? Insane as it sounds, it actually makes more sense that one of them has devised such a complex plan that he truly believes in - a plan that includes wasting a possible playoff season to build towards a grander goal.

It's the same creation of illusion that, theoretically, Manson has built. The idea here is that the team is not ready for Super Bowl contention just yet, so it's better to let Cassel have real-game experience of shouldering the load, while at the same time limiting Jamaal Charles' touches to save him from injury. The crazy thing about it is that in these times coaches are expendable and you must have total faith that this plan will work, and work quickly.

So the question becomes. do you have the patience and faith that Haley, Weis and general manager Scott Pioli can pull this thing off?

Irresponsible Hate Anthem

Of course, there is the argument that everyone on Twitter has been sending my way: it is what it is. Thomas Jones is just more dependable, audibles are being called for passes because of defensive looks, etc. And that is entirely possible. But Charles has been limited the entire season, and when he does get the ball, he explodes. The only way that in-game strategy could be at fault would be that if Haley and Weis knew the exact times when the defense wasn't expecting Charles, which is completely false. There is obviously a premeditated strategy here, right?

That kind of out-of-the-box thinking is rare and dangerous in today's NFL. It also points to a thousand-point-plan that can't be trusted with today's media scrutiny. To take it back to Manson, would his low quality "Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids", and it's lack of popularity, give him the chance he needed in today's iTunes-heavy, single-oriented music landscape?

Of course not. But this is the same kind of deceit and faith that Haley and Company seem to be operating on. But you have to believe that these kind of men exist; men that are so self-confident that they dare to change the way the game is played solely because they have a vision.

I'm willing to accept that Marilyn Manson was this kind of person, and so too is Todd Haley. I can let go of what I think I know about the entertainers that are in front of me. After all, isn't the belief that great, visionary men are amongst us that keeps life interesting?

If this is just imaginary, and Haley really is just stubborn, then so be it. But I will now watch the Chiefs as I listen to Manson's music; an experience that I can draw my own interpretations to, letting me better understand the world I'm living in. After all, that is basically the point of entertainment, and sports is entertainment.

The Chiefs are my new Marilyn Manson, And just like the singer, I'm sure everybody will hate me and ridicule me for being a fan. So be it.

Rock on, Todd Haley.

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